My "If I Just Love More" Story

Before I begin this story. . . I want to say a few things. To anyone who has been through this whether that was in a season or your entire life, my heart pours out to you. I know the hardship, pain, doubt, and insecurity it brings. I also want to say you are not alone, it's not something that's easy to talk about. and lastly, it's never too late to step away.

Love is hard to fully describe. We use it when we are talking about our friends and family. We say I love them when something funny happens. And we hear about Love in church and in the bible that calls us to love our neighbor as ourselves.

He was funny, charismatic, and so easy to talk to. We hit it off pretty easily. He got along so well with my family. He made them laugh all the time saying jokes and goofing off. He had so many friends. They all loved him. He made them crack up in laughter. He would make himself look like a fool making everyone in the group die laughing. He made life seem simple. Easy. Fun. He treated me with sweet valentines gifts. He stuck up for me during hard times saying 'I'm here for you they may not understand but I do'. I received long love notes telling me how he couldn't live life without me and how special I was to him. He told me life was very hard for him growing up from suffering from verbal and physical abuse from his father and a mother that didn't do anything about it. My heart broke for him.

He was the one.

A few months into the relationship I was star-struck. Completely in love. I wanted to spend every moment with him and he would say the same thing. I was completely drawn in. A few months into our relationship my "love" for him starting showing through other pieces in my life. A friend called me wanting to hang out so I called him to let him know and make sure there was nothing planned before I confirmed with my friend. He sounded a little upset so I asked him if everything was okay. He said he had a really bad day at work and he really wanted to see me when he got off. I felt awful and told him I had no idea he had a bad day and that of course, I would come over instead and that he could talk about it. I canceled with my friend and she said she understood. I told her we could reschedule. No big deal.

A couple of weeks later a group of friends were planning a day trip and asked me to come along. Super excited I said, "oh yeah of course!" I reached out to him to let him know and make sure nothing else was planned before I accepted out of respect to him. He told "oh dang it! I had planned us a dinner date tonight." bummed I asked if there was any way to reschedule because my friends really wanted me to go. He told me "yeah that's fine if that's what you would rather do". I explained no I want to go out with him and I love him for scheduling this, but I also want to do this trip with my friends. He said, "no I understand, I just really love spending time with you". I said yeah I do too. I canceled with my friends again. I mean he did go out of his way to make a date for us. That was really sweet. What guy does that?

A couple of weeks go by and my mom asked if we could go out to eat for fun. I said of course. We love to shop and do fun things together. I reached out to him with the same idea out of respect to let him know. He said, "aw! I wish I could come along. I love spending time with your mom, she's awesome". I told my mom, and she mentioned she was hoping it was a girl's thing since I spent a few times this week with him already. I told him my mom was hoping for a girl's day. He seemed upset. He said, "is everything okay? Did I do something that your mom doesn't like me". Confused I tried to explain no nothing you did she just wants mom and daughter time. He explained that he always loved my mom and thought the world of her but he was worried my family didn't like him. I encouraged him and said none of that is true.

Similar situations happened again and again. . .

Each time I explained I loved him and that he didn't need to feel like I didn't love him or want to spend time with him. That I was totally devoted to him. I knew he had a hard childhood and that I would care for him and love him and would never intentionally try to hurt him. He was super insecure, understandably I believed. He did have a hard childhood. He told me about all his hardships making my heart melt. "gosh, I can't imagine. I'm so sorry" I would say. I wanted him to be happy. I wanted him to feel loved. I hated he had a hard life. I hated he struggled. I didn't want that for him.

Four to five months into the relationship we battled more with quality time. We saw each other three or four times a week, but he wanted to see me more. I thought was love though right? When you love someone you can't get enough time with them. So, each time I gave way to him and what he wanted for me. I gave away time with my friends for him. I gave away time with my family so I could spend time with him.

One day we were in the car listening to music and talking. . . a little too late past my curfew and my mom called saying I needed to be home. Little irritated I said, "fine ill be home in just a little bit". Upset I sat in the car and started crying. He hugged me and told me he wished things weren't like this. He wished my family would understand our relationship. He said, "as we become more serious we will come to a point where we will have to choose between our family or our relationship". I didn't quite understand what he meant. He proceeded with "I love you and I choose you above my friends or my family." He went on to say "if we want to make this work we need to set boundaries with our friends and family. They need to respect our wants and desires and if they don't then they do not deserve to be in our life." Easily taken in I believed this was love. A man would choose me over those things? Really? Gosh, I'm a special girl. I thought if he could do that for me, I need to also show him I love him that much too.

And that was the pivot point. . .

From that point, everything changed. I became angry when things tried to divide us. I started to believe that my family and friends just didn't understand me and my relationship. They didn't respect our wants. I started believing they didn't want us together, they didn't want to see us happy because "I was so happy" I would say. I started putting boundaries on myself towards my family and friends. Slowing losing friends, one by one. The more time I gave away from my friends and family to him. . . the more he wanted. It was never good enough. Blindly, I agreed.

In between this was anger and rage. I started noticing a shift in him from being upset about a situation to now anger which was a little scary. When we first met he never really got angry. He would get upset, frustrated, or annoyed as we all do. But as the relationship shifted and I started to lose my family and friends the anger become more intense. He started pressuring me into things I didn't like and if disagreed he would become angry and tell me "do you even love me anymore?". Upset and crying he would hug me and say "I just want the best for us. I want us to be happy". I caved. I caved more times than I would like to talk about. I mean this is love, right? I need to compromise for him. I need to respect him. That's what a relationship is, right?

In between this was also jealousy. Starting out in our relationship I wore bikinis, loved to dress up with makeup, curl my hair, just all the things that a girl liked to do. As time in our relationship passed, I became more conservative. He would say "I don't want you to wear that because it is too showy and I feel like out of respect for me I don't want others to look at you" I agreed and changed. No big deal, right? He was being sweet; not controlling, right? On date nights, I would dress up with makeup and hair styled and he would say "who are you dressing up for?". Confused I would say 'you duh!' Cute, right? He was just teasing, right? Slowly my wardrobe changed. I stopped dressing up like I used to. Stopped wearing makeup like I enjoyed doing. Stopped styling my hair.

This cycle continued more often and more intensely. I lost my friends. Especially the ones that didn't agree with our relationship. They just didn't understand our love, right? I pushed away my family because they didn't agree that this was normal. I mean this is a relationship we are supposed to put our relationship above all else if we are going to be married, right?

My mind started churning trying to figure out what I could do. . . I mean, I just need to show him how much he is worth and he will change. I need to fully love him and he will change. I need to show him he has my full respect and he will change. I need to be completely devoted and then he will change. I need to show him I care about him, be his number one supporter and he will change. Right?

On the surface: I was in love, I was a happy, supportive, caring, a respectful partner.

Deep down: I was broken, trapped, confused, worried, insecure, full of fear, and sad.

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I endured this rollercoaster for a long time. I wish I could tell you I realized I was trapped and ended it. I wish I could say God did a miracle and changed his life in our relationship. But, none of that would be true. Instead, I was broken up with. He ended things. I won't go into detail because I don't think it's necessarily important.

But, what I will say it was the best miracle the Lord has done in my life. He rescued me from a toxic relationship. I was completely blind all the way up to the breakup. Had I stayed, who knows how life would be.

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I wanted to share this story for a few reasons ~

1. One is because it's a testimony of my own life and how imperfect situations can happen in God's perfect timing (to be continued). My relationship story is far from perfect and it broke me. I didn't want to sugarcoat the story because my story is all true and real. I could go on in more detail, but some are too hard to talk about.

2. I want to just express my sincere heart to anyone going through a similar situation. My heart truly breaks for you because I know firsthand how hard it is. You are not alone. Please reach out to someone you trust who has been through this. Reach out to a close friend or family even if it's in secret. Know you are loved and treasured.

3. Last I want to encourage others to see the red flags before it's too late. Going through what I went through was not easy. I was constantly happy, sad, scared, angry, and worried every day. My emotions were a rollercoaster. These red flags are so subtle that only a microscope could see them when they first pop up. Anyone who has undergone this knows that if or when you have it figured out, you're stuck. I know this because I was there. I lost my support system, my friends, and my family, so all I had . . who I believed truly understood me was him. Please know it's not too late to step away. 43% of dating college women have reported being in a physical, sexual, digital, verbal, or other controlling abusive relationships. One-third of women worldwide from ages 15 - 49 have been in a violent intimate relationship. Violence isn't just physical. It's verbal, aggression, manipulation, or twisting of words to get what they want.

To be continued on how I met my truly AMAZING husband :)